Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

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I Never Thanked You Enough

March 1, 2017 by Leah Stirewalt 2 Comments

Joel – you were one of the hardest working men I knew. Not just for our family but in each area of our lives. You took care of virtually everything, especially after I started making the commute to/from Asheville for work in these most recent of months. While I might have made the meal plans and went to the grocery store…you did it all…laundry – starting supper – cleaning up dishes – helping with baths – bedtime routines – paying the bills – handling the outdoor yard work – taking out the trash – dealing with sibling fights – helping with homework (okay…maybe I still did that too) – picking up meds at the pharmacy for the kids – taking the children to their doctor appointments – negotiating car insurance rates whenever it was time to renew…the list goes on. It makes it kind of look like I never did anything anything doesn’t it? But, we just switched roles, in many of these areas. You once handled the 75-mile one-way commute, and I did the majority of the other chores.

Even so…I never thank you enough.

When you carried little Austyn up the stairs to bed at night after he had fallen asleep in my arms, because you wanted to protect my knee…I never thanked you enough.

When you daily went to the grocery store and started a relationship with the butcher so that you could be “in the know” with the timing of meat markdowns in an effort to keep our large family fed well…I never thanked you enough.

When you taught the children to make their beds and enforced it each morning (even on the crazy mornings) to show them good habits, discipline, and consistency…I never thanked you enough.

When you took time to write long messages in cards you gave me (or our children)…messages that were very thought through and from the heart…I never thanked you enough.

When you accepted my own biological daughter as your own when we married…never thinking for one second that she didn’t come from you too…I never thanked you enough.

When we agreed to foster 3-8 year-olds, primarily, and I begged you to take on a little 6-month-old desperate for a placement, and he’s now our 3-year-old SON…I never thanked you enough.

When I asked if you were up for the challenge of biking the Virginia Creeper Trail, zip-lining, and horseback riding ALL in the SAME DAY – you didn’t bat an eye, and….I never thanked you enough.

For what it’s worth now…thank you for EVERYTHING my sweet love! We lived so much life together in our few short years as husband and wife. But that short time has given me a lifetime of beautiful memories and an expanded beautiful family…yours, mine, and ours. THANK YOU! I’ll never stop loving you. Until we meet again…

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The Angers Melts…Back Into Sadness

February 27, 2017 by Leah Stirewalt 3 Comments

I learned this during Widow Journey #1. Grief is not linear. I had the naive idea I would simply walk through the steps of grief, check the boxes off as I completed each one until I reached the end of the list. It surprised me (initially)…it doesn’t work that way. Grief is so much messier (and less patterned) than that. I have been reminded of that again.

The anger I’ve been dealing with as of late seems to have dissipated quite a bit and morphed back into sheer sadness. All I have to do is look around this house we recently purchased together, and the tears start to pour. We never had the opportunity to finish settling in. There are numerous unfinished projects in every room just screaming for Joel’s hand to touch each one in his perfect, creative ability to do so. I’m sure I can tackle some on my own, but I truthfully don’t want to. The sadness wins out.

I hear the children talk about daddy amongst themselves, and the tears well up in my eyes.

Katerina: “I talk to Daddy. He’s with Jesus.”

Benjamin: “You can’t talk to Daddy. He can’t hear you.”

Josiah: “Daddy died. He’s in Heaven with Jesus.”

Katerina: “He’ll come back soon.”

Benjamin: “No he won’t. He’s never coming back.”

Austyn: “I miss daddy.”

These are snippets of conversations they have over and over with themselves. I pipe in to correct what needs correcting, but for the most part…I let them talk. Austyn, on the other hand, knows that daddy went to Heaven but is expecting him to return soon. He doesn’t grasp the finality of it all.

Friends…while I might be angry at times, very sad at other times, full of “why” questions continually, exasperated, exhausted, and feeling isolated and alone…one thing I know to be true, and I will say this until God calls me Home:

GOD IS GOOD!!!

There is no part in this tragedy, no part in my emotional swings, no part of my faith that disagrees with that statement.

GOD IS GOOD!!!!

And…His plan is always better. He sees the big picture, that I/we cannot see. It’s only been just under six years since I lost my last husband, Chris. Since that time…I witnessed time and again the evidence of the sovereignty and greatness of God, even amongst many, many tears.

The tears have returned…this time for the tragic loss of my prince…my Joel! I’m sure if I’d measured, I would have filled buckets full by now. And yet…God has captured each one. They are not lost to Him. I know He holds me when I scream, when I sob, when I shake, and when I whimper. He knows my pain better than I know it myself. And…so…I turn to Him…the author of life and death. My Comforter.

For today, anger is mostly gone…the tears are heavy, but God is here.

 

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Meet Leah

Leah StirewaltI became "twice widowed" when my beloved prince, Joel, went to his Heavenly home after a brief and sudden illness on February 12, 2017. I’m in a place of shock and devastation, but I intend to use this format to journal my second widow journey, much like I did my first. It’s my open journal, my electronic oasis, and it’s often the place I find true healing as I allow myself to “come clean” with my feelings. Read More...

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