grief Archives - Page 35 of 41

In anticipation of the 5-year anniversary of my late husband’s death just around the corner, I continue to reflect on that journey of widowhood. Here’s another repost from that season of my life. I stand in awe at how far God has restored my life from those dark days.

One thing I’ve strived to do throughout this process is be as transparent as I feel safe in doing, because I want people to know what this feels like for three main reasons:

(1) I want other women who have found themselves walking Grief Road as a widow to know they’re not alone…that God allows us to comfort each other with the comfort He also has given us. We are at varying phases of the journey, and our journeys are certainly not the same. Each Grief Road is like a snowflake, in my opinion. No two are the same, yet there are enough similarities that they are relatable.

(2) In the case someone reading this might have ever contemplated suicide, I pray the pain and the “after effects” of making such a final decision stay clearly in the front of their mind, causing that to never take place. I want hurting people to read my words and see the pain it causes those left behind and maybe…just maybe…it will be enough to say “it’s not worth it”.

(3) I pray those in the body of Christ who haven’t ever been affected by death first-hand, or in a long time, learns how badly the population of widows needs you. The Lord, in His Word, is very clear about how much He cares for orphans and widows and the mandate He gives in caring for them. I am the first to admit, I was much happier to jump on the orphan advocacy “train” before colliding with the widow train head on. But, God never differentiated between the two by saying one was more important to care for than the other. We’ve made that differentiation on our own. I hate to admit…I was in that group. So, I pray my posts help to awaken a need…a deep need in the church. I have been blessed to be cared for by several in my church body quite well, but I know how easy it is to dismiss widows, in general.

Even saying all of that, there is still much I don’t share. It’s too personal. It’s too painful. I don’t believe it will edify anybody if I write it on this format. And…so, I don’t. The snippets of this journey I share on this platform are just that…snippets. Oh, friends, there is so much more. So, very much more. In time, maybe God will allow me to share more.

So, where am I now? Tomorrow marks eight months since my husband was first discovered missing. Eight months since my living nightmare began. And, in eight months, I’m still deeply hurting, questioning, and aching. But, I’ve also seen Christ reach down and meet me where I’m at, pull me out of the mire, refresh my weary soul, and begin a process of restoration. A slow beginning, but a beginning nonetheless. And…so I let Him. I have been quieter than normal, because I’m listening a lot more.

There are still many firsts ahead to embrace…my first birthday without him later this month (turning 40, on top of that), Valentine’s Day, Easter, the first anniversary of his death, and those are just the major ones. But, I’m still trusting in God’s greater plan through all of this.

Just last weekend, I challenged Him with a question…one I hadn’t asked of the Lord before, but I finally did…

Lord, why didn’t You stop him? You could have. I know You could have. Why did You let him take his own life? I know we have free will and all, but he loved You. You would have only had to whisper a word, and he would still be in my arms today. So, what is it Lord that kept that from happening? Why is he with You now instead of with me?

The answer came…immediately…

It was one of those moments I wish I could have back, because I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t been there. I was sitting in my recliner in the bedroom…SOBBING…crying out to the Lord…begging for answers. Right after asking the questions…a calming peace swept over me like I’ve never experienced. In. My. Life. Seriously! And then came the inaudible answer…

Because, I will be more glorified in his death than in his life.

The sobbing stopped. Immediately. I was simply stunned, as I sat there. And, then I knew. He was right! He’s always right! He’s God! I pondered back to many other people who predeceased Chris. Others who died too young or in ways that seemed unfair. And, each time God appears to have been way more glorified in their deaths.

May it be so, Lord! May it please be so!

The 5th anniversary of my late husband’s suicide is coming up in a few weeks. I honestly can’t believe it’s already been five years, and yet…in other ways…it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I have an exciting announcement to make around “the anniversary”, so keep watching in early May! In the meantime, I’ve been re-reading some of my posts from that first year of grief, and this one stood out to me. Maybe because I need to be reminded by my own words. Or…maybe someone else needs to read this today. In any regard, I felt compelled to share once again.

I know we often can’t see God’s beautiful (and perfect) plans unfold so easily in our lives. Just yesterday, my heart was aching heavily for a couple of friends going through some really difficult times right now. The trials they are being asked to endure don’t make sense when viewed through the earthly lens we often use when gazing at life. A word I can easily associate with their difficulties…unfair! And YET…

God never promised life would be fair. He never promised it would be delivered to us on a silver platter or we’d walk the glory road until we reach glory itself. He never promised our days will be filled with material blessing or the trials we do endure will be swift. He never promised we wouldn’t experience a broken heart or be disappointed by broken people.

Right now…I personally know someone…

–Fighting breast cancer
–Praying for a spouse after a lifetime of singleness
–Waiting on God for the sale of a home on the market for four years
–Seeking custody of a child who has endured much hardship
–Waiting on a call for their forever child through adoption
–Praying for conception even though doctors are speaking infertility
–Ready to walk out on a position they’ve been called to do, because the enemy tells them they can’t do it
–Fighting to keep the job they have
–Aching for a spouse who went to Heaven late last year
–Waiting with great expectation for a YES answer to a position they applied for months ago and are still in the running for
–Who lost everything in a house fire four months ago
–Questioning whether or not Christ could ever love them enough to accept them into His family
–Grieving the loss of a parent a few short weeks ago
–Grieving the loss of a child to cancer earlier this year
–Watching their special needs adopted child endure many medical procedures this week
–Waiting on God to provide funding resources for a new non-profit organization started in faith
–Praying for a prodigal child

These are tough, tough things, friends. And…these are tough things for my praying heart to endure. So many times I’ve prayed God would allow me to see hurting and broken people through His eyes so my prayers might be more personal and often more gutteral. He’s done that many times, and I ache all the more.

But, even though these aren’t the things in life we’ve asked for, prayed for, expected, or even wanted…”in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose”! (Romans 8:28) This is not just some biblical cliche…this is TRUTH spoken by a God (THE God) who cannot lie (Hebrews 6:18).

I choose to believe – even through my husband’s suicide – God is working for my good, because…I love Him, and I have been called according to His purpose. And while I may not be able to see with my physical eyes all the plans God has for me to work this for my good…I see with my eyes of faith. And, one day…my faith WILL be my sight!

The Answer…a Repost!

Eyes of Faith…a Repost!