Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

Packing Discoveries

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PackingI hate moving. The packing, transporting, unpacking, etc. I guess I’ve done so much of it in my lifetime that it’s not that exciting to me anymore (unless it were to someplace like Hawaii or Tahiti…ha!). And yet…it’s that time again, and this time I AM excited. We’re only moving 3 miles away, but it’s to our own place…one that Joel and I will create together…share together…a place of new beginnings.

As with any move, I have the opportunity to sort through things…drawers and closets crammed full of memories (and quite a bit of junk too). It allows me to throw out those things that I truly don’t need to hang onto anymore. Or perhaps there are items that would be better suited in someone else’s home that I can just give away. Maybe…some of it I’m supposed to sell to allow the proceeds to go to our adoption fund. Regardless, it’s “clean out” time.

If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you also know that I’m living in the same home that I shared with my previous husband, Chris, who now lives in Heaven. This was the same house where we created many happy memories, but it’s also the same house where I received news of my worst nightmare…my husband’s death by suicide. I can walk into each room of the house and see the events of those horrific days play out all over again. I can visualize the faces of friends that were in and out while we were still “searching” for my husband. I can see pain on the faces of those that arrived to tell me when Chris had been found…not alive. I remember sitting on the couch with the law enforcement and forest service officials while helping them to “complete their paperwork” to bring the “missing person” case to a close. Oh, how I remember…

In the earliest days of widowhood, I scoured my room looking for a note…something…anything that would give me clues why Chris chose to leave me this way. I tore through drawers, closets, vehicles…everything! I never found the note. But, even while searching, I began to sort…sort through his things and place them into “piles” – keep, donate, or share with his family. I thought I’d finished that sorting task long ago. Until the other day…

I was cleaning out my nightstand, and there it was…a chocolate rose I received one Valentine’s Day, a group of cards or letters he had given me, his driver’s license (the one found at his death location), and a few other things I didn’t realize were there. Un-dealt with, I had to “go there” again. The memories…the pictures from those dreadful days…all came rushing back. It was so frustrating to me. God has blessed me so much, and life has been restored in ways I never dreamed it could be, so why did I have to “return” to that time? And then He spoke…it was almost as if Abba was right there in the room with me, reassuring me of His love for me and His abundant grace and mercy…

My precious daughter, aren’t you glad that I don’t ask you to revisit the memories of your sin like this? Aren’t you thankful that you can rest in My promise that I’ve removed your sins as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12)? While there are times I may ask you to go back and remember different times in your life…it’s not to hurt you or make you sad, all over again. That’s not My nature. It’s to show you how far I’ve brought you…how Healed you are, and how vast My love is for you! I will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6). I love you my daughter. ~Abba

Yes Lord! You are so good to me!

Choosing HOPE is…Rebellious!

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A look of HOPE on my face just a little over 2 months after Chris' death.

Thursday nights typically finds me sitting in my GriefShare group. I began attending back in February, and I vividly remember the facilitator instructing us at the first session to just “stick it out” through the early weeks, because they would be the hardest. If we could just tough it out – we’d be so thankful during the later weeks.

Last week, I can honestly say I reached that point. The thankful point. The place where I’m so glad that I hung around, even though the weeks prior have been excrutiatingly painful to endure. Often, I walk into class full of smiles and walk out with no makeup left on my face due to all the shed tears. But, this week…I experienced a turning point.

The video session was about asking the “Why?” question. Oh boy…I knew I could relate to that one. I haven’t asked the why question so much about my husband’s death (except in the very beginning), but I have asked the question “why” about my life in general.

God, why has my life been so hard? Why can’t I just have my version of a “typical” family – consisting of a husband & a bunch of kids? Why have I had to experience hardship after hardship after hardship from my earliest memory until even now? Why am I surrounded by friends that have the type of families I dream about and yet I can never seem to attain it? Why, God…why?

Somewhere along this grief journey, I stopped asking why. At first, I think it was a choice made from the pit. In other words, I’ll just stop asking why, because it won’t matter anyway…this must just be my “lot” in life. Eventually, God pulled me gently out of the pit, and I realized that I didn’t need to ask why anymore, because I trust Him! Yes. I truly do trust Him. I don’t understand, but I trust that He knows best for me!

During last week’s GriefShare class and video session…I heard two very poignant statements that really resonated with me:

1) Focus on what we know to be true about God (the !) not the (?). Focus on the exclamations – those promises about Him that we can point to all throughout scripture that still apply to us today rather than on the questions – those things that we may never have answers to that might actually cripple us if we allow them.

2) Choosing hope is an act of rebellion! Think about that for a minute…choosing hope is an act of rebellion! It really is. It’s rebellious to the world’s “system” of values, and it’s definitely rebellious to the enemy’s plans for us. Satan wants us to curl up and die whenever we find ourselves in a “hopeless” situation. So, choosing hope – in spite of our circumstances – is like spitting in his face. I LOVE that!!! Choosing hope essentially means we’re choosing to TRUST that the God of the universe knows what’s best for us, regardless of how we may feel at the moment.

So, today I’m feeling a little rebellious…I’m choosing HOPE!