Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

I Lost My Voice for Nearly Five Months

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I lost my voice
Photo by Josh Adamski on Unsplash

I lost my voice for nearly five months. No…not my physical voice. My writing “voice”. In my ten years of blogging, I’ve never taken an intentional or unintentional blogging break that lasted this long. Whatever the reason, the break was needed.

Even so, I’ve missed being here. I’ve missed communicating with you all. I’ve missed sharing the ups and downs of this precious life I’ve been given. Last year was nothing short of tragic…from nearly the beginning to the very end. I lost my husband in February…my dad in December. I had five surgeries (only one was planned). I totaled a car. I banged up another one. I contracted pneumonia…twice. My air conditioner went out, my basement wiring is messed up, and several other minor things. My nephew was diagnosed with an aggressive, rare terminal illness. I’m still in shock over that one. And yet…

God is still so very good.

Through Joel’s death, I’ve had the privilege of getting to know an entirely new community of people. I’ve made some very dear friends I probably never would have otherwise. I’ve seen the love of Christ poured out on my children and me in quantities which can’t be measured. Friends of old and some I’ve just met have cared for us deeply, when we’ve needed it most. People have given me the opportunity to “step away” from my solo parenting duties several times so I could be refreshed and restored. My gratitude for all we’ve been given cannot be expressed in words. We can never repay all that has been done for us over the last (nearly) twelve months.

God is still so very good.

So, why the silence? Why haven’t I been able to share on this platform in nearly five months? Truthfully…I don’t know. Nothing significant silenced me. I have so much in my heart I’ve wanted to share, but the words just wouldn’t come in a way that would make sense in a blog post. I know the Holy Spirit has been doing a new work in me, and I feel certain He silenced me while He’s worked. But why? That I don’t know. But this I do know…

God is sill so very good.

I feel my voice is returning. I feel my heart is ready to release some of those “messages” that have been tucked away for safekeeping. I feel I’m ready to return to this community. Will you join me again? Thank you for your patience during my silence.

#HeIsStillGood

200 Days

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200 DaysMy love has been with Jesus for 200 days. 200 very long days for me. A blink of an eye for Joel. Some may feel I’m crazy for counting the days. I just can’t help it. For me, it keeps it in perspective. It also reminds me how far I’ve come on this grief journey (or in some cases how far short I’ve fallen).

I’m reminded quite often of something I learned the first time around. Grief isn’t linear. The Type A, check-the-box-and-call-it-done person that I am always had a hard time with that. I wanted to go through the steps of grief and call them done. However, they sometimes found their way back to me, and I couldn’t seem to grasp why when I had already finished the “anger” phase or the “denial” phase. And then I learned…

GRIEF IS NOT LINEAR!

It’s actually quite messy. It’s not circular, it’s not triangular, it’s not any type of recognizable shape or pattern. It’s just a messy blob!

Right now, I’m in the thick of the “messy blob”. I’ve had several very dark weeks. It didn’t help that my anniversary fell in that time period and that Joel’s birthday is coming up as well. Lots of firsts right here in this season of the year. But, being completely transparent, I’ve been depressed.

Compared to what much of the world lives daily, I have so much to be thankful for.

Compared to what my friends over in Houston are living in right now, I have so much to be thankful for.

Compared to the fact I had the privilege of being loved so deeply by two men now with Jesus, when other women are still waiting for their Prince Charming, I have so much to be thankful for.

But…yes…here comes the but…

I’m still hurting daily for what I have lost, regardless of what I still have.

I’m still aching for the man that loved me with all that he had.

I’m still yearning to have that “picture perfect” two-parent family life that doesn’t exist for me anymore.

I’m still frequently exhausted due to my solo parenting duties.

I’m still overwhelmed by the various things that need to be taken care of in and out of the house that Joel would have been on top of, but I can’t do it by myself along with everything else.

I still long for Christ to return and soon!!!

I just had the privilege today of sitting down with a friend from high school who I haven’t seen since then. She drove a little over an hour to bring us dinner tonight…just because she could, and she knew it would be a blessing. And. It. Is. I am so thankful for all that God has been doing to protect us and provide for us, and this is just the tip of the iceberg for what we’ve experienced lately. I truly am most grateful. I’ve seen God with fresh eyes over these 200 days, and I know I would have missed out on seeing His glory in the ways I have had Joel still been with me. But, God also knows, I wish I had both. Thankfully, for eternity…I will!

#HeIsStillGood