A couple nights ago, my little Austyn asked me to lay with him while he went to sleep (in my bed, mind you) and single a few songs. I usually ask if he wants singing, humming, or just to be quiet. On this particular night, he wanted one song and then quiet. I held him in my arms as we went through this little routine. I told Damaris (our precious gift of a nanny) to just let herself out if I wasn’t back in the living room before she was ready to go.
The next thing I knew…it was 4:00 am. I was fully clothed, had jewelry on, my hair still up in a ponytail (sort of), and the lights were still on in the living room. Just as I thought about getting up to turn everything off, put on my PJs and climb back into bed, I was already asleep again. I must have been exhausted and needed the sleep.
I’m sure some of you might be wondering how in the world I could be so tired when most of my days are filled with sitting in a recliner with my foot elevated on some pillows. It sounds like a cushy job to me too. But, that’s not what’s exhausting me. Pure and simple…it’s GRIEF!
GRIEF is like fighting a terminal illness, in which I have yet to reach a point of remission. There will be those points of reprieve along the journey, but the grief illness will never go away, in and of itself. Some days will feel easier than others. Down the road, some days might even feel a bit normal, but each will still have the potential to be one of great battle.
Right now, I’m in the throws of deep war. Since, Joel’s death on February 12, I have experienced three foot surgeries (two unexpected and emergent), and I survived an almost head-on collision (that I accidentally caused). There have been other smaller defeats and setbacks along the way, but those named have been the biggest in the battlefield.
Additionally, I’m trying to parent these four small, newly adopted children of ours without neglecting our biological older children and grandchildren, and I feel I’m failing at both. I am deeply fragmented and a pitiful representation of a mother / Grandma right now. But, I feel God has given them a measure of grace to extend to me right now, and they are doing so with both a beauty and a patience not typical of children to exhibit.
This past weekend, some of my dearest friends were in town visiting, and I kept struggling to keep my eyes open. I had a full night sleep the night before, but I honestly felt exhausted…again! As the day went on, exhaustion turned into an outright cruddy feeling…almost like I was coming down with something, but I simply couldn’t pinpoint it. The end result…I lost the battle and ended up going to bed early again. I feel robbed, of sorts, when this happens, as I want to spend time with these precious people. However, I just can’t fight the battle that wages within. I know they understand, but I still struggle with the overwhelming desire to spend precious time together rather than sleeping it away. This too shall pass (I hope…).
#HeIsStillGood
