loss Archives - Page 7 of 11

When Joel and I purchased this home last year, we began driving over on weekends to paint rooms and start prepping for our main move at the end of October. We almost finished painting the whole house before running out of time. Moving day came, followed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, January birthday mania, and then Joel’s Homegoing in February. Needless to say, everything came to a screeching halt…at least temporarily.

All I had left to paint was the half bath, laundry room, the foyer area and attached hallways. The trouble was…1) I no longer had the desire to paint, and 2) I didn’t have the tools to paint the height of our foyer. And yet…I wouldn’t hang pictures up in the hallway, because I knew it would be a waste of effort until the painting was done. That tore at my heartstrings, because I really wanted to hang the pictures…especially now that Joel was gone. It may seem silly to many, but it was a huge deal to me.

Precious people from a church we had visited a couple times sent over many people from several of their Lifegroups to tackle many things around the house…including the painting of the laundry room and half bath. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. Something as minor as a little gray paint on a wall can bring a whole lot of sunshine into this dismal home. And…it did.

It gave me the desire and motivation to go further. Joel’s death came before we were fully unpacked and organized around the house. Many of our non-urgent belongings still sat in boxes. The basement was a chaotic wreck, until my bonus son and daughter and their spouses got a hold of it. Then, our garage was tackled by a group of men from another local church. Little by little…this house started to feel like a home.

The day came when I finally found someone to paint the foyer for me. It was a “for hire” job, but it was really for very little money and gave me far more joy than the small pittance he took for the work. When the work was completed, I gave him his money, thanked him for squeezing me into their busy schedule, and sent them on their way. I admired their work…such a great job! Something wasn’t quite right though…I couldn’t put my finger on it at first. I walked around and kept starting at the paint. They did exactly what I asked them to do, so I know it wasn’t something they did. But…what was it?

The door! I never thought about the inside of the front door! Now, it obviously stood out (and not in a beautiful way). Good grief! Why didn’t I think of that before? I know they would have added that to their list if I had just asked. Well…I’ll get it to…someday…

Each time, it seemed, I walked by that door…it felt like it was mocking me.

Ha ha ha! You only thought you were finished! Now look what you did? It looks worse than before! What are you going to do now Leah?

That dumb door almost felt like the voice of the enemy. Each time I walked by, the mocking felt like the devil himself.

Ha ha ha! You only thought you were living the fairytale life. Now look! Your beloved is gone. Losing two spouses in one lifetime. How often do you hear that? Now what are you going to do Leah?

The last “taunting” came two nights ago. I’d had enough. I felt the voice of the enemy rising up against me with lies again.

So…what are you going to do? You might be making it now, but you’ve had lots of help. What happens when the people are gone? The job is gone? Life returns to normal for them. What are you going to do then?

I’m going to paint the door…NOW!

I promise you, life’s answer to all my problems is not simply in painting a door, but it was…in that moment.

I’ve felt, for quite awhile, the enemy has been trying to keep me down. My health crises following Joel’s death haven’t helped. He’s made sure I’ve felt the sting of everything I can’t do anymore…or at least, he makes me feel I can’t do anymore. I’d had enough of his lies on Saturday evening.

Just as I readied myself for bed, something rose up in me, and said…”Enough!” I went downstairs, grabbed the leftover paint and necessary supplies, climbed back up the stairs and started painting that door. I didn’t stop until it was complete! I took a step back, admired my imperfect work, and simply smirked and said “Hmmmph! I’ve got more where that came from Satan. Be gone from me! You have lost the war!”

So for one day, I felt a little freer, all because I painted a door!

#HeIsStillGood

Road-tripping solo with four kids is in the books! While we’ve had several mini day trips and a couple overnighters, this was our first two-nighter, out-of-state, major road-tripping event without daddy, and we I survived…barely.

My survival was, no doubt, directly tied to the numerous prayers lifted up on behalf of many Facebook friends. I sent out a quick plea for help, and you all were too quick to step up to the plate on our behalf. And, for that, I thank you immensely. I can’t imagine what our trip would have been like without your prayers, because with your prayers, it was still a bit challenging.

Our challenges always include the pink bucket. You know the kind…the type the hospital gives out whenever you’re ~~incarcerated~~ admitted for an overnight stay. It’s the one the nurses often use to give you a bed bath with or to store all your toiletries.

For our family, it’s become the infamous “puke bucket” for our extremely motion sick little Bulgarian princess. Poor Katerina can’t catch a break. It probably didn’t help that we had to travel “the gorge” between North Carolina and Tennessee, making all the twists and turns that are much more stomach-unsettling. She did her best, but…she had to use the bucket three times. THREE times. The last was right as we were pulling up to the wedding parking lot.

Yes…I took my children to a wedding. Granted, this was actually their second US wedding to attend, as their older brother got married a few weeks after they arrived in the US in 2015. However, these are pretty different kiddos from the ones we had back then.

Anyway…the wedding was set for 6:00 pm…an outdoor setting. What time did we arrive? You guessed it. 6:00 pm. I was so appalled. My son-in-law’s little sister was getting married, and we were honored to be able to attend. I drilled my children with proper wedding etiquette and the consequences of not following the mom-addressed guidelines. However, I never realized I would have to reprimand myself for arriving after the entire bridal party was at the altar and just before the bride walked down the aisle. Thankfully, we were able to see the cutest little flower girl and ring bearer (who just so happen to be my grandchildren). Otherwise, the reprimand to myself would have been even worse.

No need to punish the children for misbehaving during the actual ceremony, as they did phenomenal! I was so proud of them. Then, it was time to just cut loose. Benjamin shared with the world, “This is the best party EVAH!” All of my children (with the exception of Josiah) LOVE to dance, and they never stopped! Josiah, was quite content, to play corn hole with some “big kids” he met. So, all-in-all, your prayers were evident.

As for me, attending my first wedding as a new widow was going to be tough. I knew that. I did remarkably well during the ceremony but lost it a couple times during the reception when different songs came on that reminded me of Joel or simply of his absence. That hole in my heart is still very large.

The rest of the road-tripping weekend was large as well…large fun! We intended to go to the Gatlinburg Aquarium, but the traffic (inside the building and outside) was simply too much. The kids were content to go back to the hotel and swim for the rest of the afternoon. We were joined by Amy and Wes and their two kiddos, and we had a blast spending the afternoon in the pool (me with my new fancy foot covering device and all). We followed that with a dinner out in Pigeon Forge and quick goodbyes until we see them again in a few weeks. We’d be road-tripping back home beginning the next morning.

All-in-all, I survived another “first”. Actually, I more than survived. I thrived. That was confirmed on two occasions: 1) When Josiah told me, “Thank you for taking us places, Mom!” and 2) Upon Benjamin’s exclamation of the wedding/reception being the best party “evah”. They loved it! Therefore, I did too.

#HeIsStillGood

I Painted a Door!

Road-tripping Solo with Four Kids – Did I Survive?