Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

We Should Have

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We Should HaveToday shouldn’t feel like this.

We should have had a lazy morning were we get up a little later than normal after being awakened by little fingers tapping us on the back.

We should have been spoiled by your yummy hand-cooked Saturday morning breakfasts.

We should have been gone yard-sailing followed by grocery shopping at Sam’s where lunch just might have consisted of nibbling from each of the sample carts.

We should have napped while the kids did and then got up for a late afternoon swim together.

We should have rocked on the porch together while supper finished up in the crockpot, and the kids rode up and down the driveway on their bikes or other wheeled toys.

We should have had movie and popcorn night with the kids following their showers.

We should have had our own movie night after the kiddos went to bed, or maybe we would just catch up on a TV show we’d been watching on Netflix.

We should have fallen asleep in each others arms, content with having spent a wonderful family-filled-fun Saturday.

Instead…

I’m sitting alone, pushing through the dense darkness that’s enveloped me today.

I’m struggling to want to do anything, and yet it’s my last day before the kids come home tomorrow after being gone for a week, allowing me to have some respite time.

I’m having crying spell after crying spell, and I even cried out to God asking Him why today has to feel like this. Why today?

I’m shoving memories aside, because they hurt too much to endure.

I’m scrolling Facebook, because of my paralyzed state of mind, and it’s the last thing I should be doing, because seeing other’s pics of family togetherness, date nights, vacations, fishing trips, etc. only reinforces what I don’t have anymore,

I’m begging God to take away even a smidgen of this pain today.

I’m wondering when the fog will lift.

I’m missing you, my precious Joel, and longing for my true Home. How much longer will you tarry oh Lord?

An Unexpected Hiatus

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DisneyAfter an unexpected hiatus, I’m back! I planned to be a little hit or miss while vacationing at Disney, little did I realize the blogging break would end up being much longer.

We had a wonderful trip to Disney, but it wasn’t without its challenges. I was reminded, quite frequently, something I already know so well. Children (people in general, actually) thrive on structure. Even as planned out as the week was, the structure our daily lives resemble, looks nothing like the craziness a week of vacation tends to bring. That said, the kiddos were in awe of Disney and all it brings. We had many unexpected surprises along the way, and the cast mates (Disney staff) went out of their way for our family. Even so, by the end of each day…I had nothing left. It took it all out of me, and then some.

As soon as we arrived home, we stepped into high speed preparing for the next adventure. My children are currently spending this week with some dear friends of mine in Savannah, GA. Lorie and her husband, Duane, are seasoned adoptive parents, and they also have six biological children. The age range of their children is very similar to mine. She offered this week of respite to me several months ago, and I happily accepted her offer.

Respite from my 24/7 parental responsibilities is something I crave. Joel and I shared our parenting duties well, but as soon as He went Home to Heaven, it all fell on me. It’s been emotionally very difficult to be “on” all the time for the children and try to grieve the way my heart needs to at times. Therefore, this gift of respite was huge, but little did I realize how huge.

Last Monday (the day after my children went to Savannah), I had a scheduled inpatient surgical procedure. I was so glad the kiddos were well taken care of during my 1-2 night planned hospital stay. One less worry. However, my hospital stay turned into four nights, and I almost had to spend a fifth night.

Without going into all the details, I had stomach surgery. The surgery itself was very successful (sounds familiar…oh yes…I said similar words after Joel’s surgery in February), but the post-surgery recovery brought a few challenges…my blood pressure kept dropping, I ran a low grade fever, my resting heart rate was higher than normal, and my oxygen saturation rates were too low. In addition to that, I have a bruise along my abdomen that reaches out to my side and almost to my back that is U.G.L.Y. I bruise easily anyway, but I’ve never had anything like this before. It was a showcase piece for all kinds of hospital staff to view. Nobody could believe it until they laid eyes on it. The bruise was actually the lesser of the evils, but it brought the biggest reaction.

The other problems I kept exhibiting led to many tests to rule out the biggies (i.e. blood clots, tumors), and I’m thankful I had a surgeon willing to be so thorough with me. It probably didn’t hurt they all knew Joel’s story and wanted to avoid a repeat with me. They did well. I really am very pleased. I’m just slowly regaining strength to do much of anything.

It’s hard being “down” all the time. You would think I would have learned that lesson after my foot surgeries this spring. I’m just wired to be on all the time it seems. God, in His abundant mercy, is patiently teaching me about rest. Something I need and crave, but seldom take. This blog hiatus was just one piece of the puzzle, but apparently I needed it too. Thank you for patience as I get “back in the saddle again”.

One more thing… With August now here, I face another difficult “first” later this month. Our anniversary. I covet your prayers, in advance of that day (25th), as my heart is already hurting thinking of another missed celebration with my love.