Thursday nights typically finds me sitting in my GriefShare group. I began attending back in February, and I vividly remember the facilitator instructing us at the first session to just “stick it out” through the early weeks, because they would be the hardest. If we could just tough it out – we’d be so thankful during the later weeks.

Last week, I can honestly say I reached that point. The thankful point. The place where I’m so glad that I hung around, even though the weeks prior have been excrutiatingly painful to endure. Often, I walk into class full of smiles and walk out with no makeup left on my face due to all the shed tears. But, this week…I experienced a turning point.

The video session was about asking the “Why?” question. Oh boy…I knew I could relate to that one. I haven’t asked the why question so much about my husband’s death (except in the very beginning), but I have asked the question “why” about my life in general.

God, why has my life been so hard? Why can’t I just have my version of a “typical” family – consisting of a husband & a bunch of kids? Why have I had to experience hardship after hardship after hardship from my earliest memory until even now? Why am I surrounded by friends that have the type of families I dream about and yet I can never seem to attain it? Why, God…why?

Somewhere along this grief journey, I stopped asking why. At first, I think it was a choice made from the pit. In other words, I’ll just stop asking why, because it won’t matter anyway…this must just be my “lot” in life. Eventually, God pulled me gently out of the pit, and I realized that I didn’t need to ask why anymore, because I trust Him! Yes. I truly do trust Him. I don’t understand, but I trust that He knows best for me!

During last week’s GriefShare class and video session…I heard two very poignant statements that really resonated with me:

1) Focus on what we know to be true about God (the !) not the (?). Focus on the exclamations – those promises about Him that we can point to all throughout scripture that still apply to us today rather than on the questions – those things that we may never have answers to that might actually cripple us if we allow them.

2) Choosing hope is an act of rebellion! Think about that for a minute…choosing hope is an act of rebellion! It really is. It’s rebellious to the world’s “system” of values, and it’s definitely rebellious to the enemy’s plans for us. Satan wants us to curl up and die whenever we find ourselves in a “hopeless” situation. So, choosing hope – in spite of our circumstances – is like spitting in his face. I LOVE that!!! Choosing hope essentially means we’re choosing to TRUST that the God of the universe knows what’s best for us, regardless of how we may feel at the moment.

So, today I’m feeling a little rebellious…I’m choosing HOPE!