I can’t tell you how many times I’ve replayed Tuesday night, May 3, in my mental CD player – over and over and over.

Track 1 – Can’t get Chris to respond to my texts or calls
Track 2 – Something’s wrong – need help
Track 3 – At the police station filing a missing person’s report
Track 4 – Back home waiting on a pastor friend to arrive
Track 5 – Driving all over the fog-filled Blue Ridge Parkway roads looking for Chris’ missing truck
Track 6 – Realized it was no longer Tuesday, May 3
Track 7 – Worrying that Chris is all alone, hurt, scared, cold, wondering why I haven’t found him

Track 7 is the one that I now have the answer to, but it’s also the one I keep playing, because I often wonder…

How long was he alone before he made the choice to end his life?

Was he crying? Was he stoic? Did he pray?

Was he cold – it was such an usually ugly weather night?

Did he think about me? Did he think about Anna?

Was he scared? Did he ever feel abandoned?

Why oh why couldn’t somebody have been there to stop him? Why?????????

And then…He speaks to me again…like He has so often these last 6 1/2 months.

My precious daughter, I was with him the entire time. Just like I’ve promised over and over, I will never, ever leave you or forsake you, I NEVER left Chris and was there as he took his final breath on earth and entered my presence in Heaven. I can answer every single one of the questions you keep asking yourself, but it truly doesn’t matter now – does it? Just rest in the fact that Chris was never alone. Never. I whispered to him many times that evening, just like I’m whispering to you now. And, I tenderly held him. Just know this…he told you this himself in his last email to you…never doubt how much he loved you. Daughter, let that be enough to satisfy those unanswered questions. But…even more…never doubt how much I love you. Chris was never alone. And…what’s more…neither are you my beloved! Even now, I’m catching those tears as they fall from your eyes. I. Am. Right. Here. Feel my Presence surrounding you – just like I did for Chris the night of May 3. 

“I’ve been told this day was coming for many months now. My Creator announced to me in August that He had a very special plan for me…so special, in fact, that it would require my leaving the only home I’ve ever known…forever. My home…this beautiful farm displayed with so many of my pine-scented friends. Some have been growing here for over a decade. Others are just new saplings. But me? I’m almost 10 feet tall, so I’ve seen a lot of friends and family leave our homeplace through the years. I’ve gotten used to it actually, but it never really hit me that my day might actually come too. Until today. Even after my Creator told me several months ago, I never really thought it would happen until now.

I wondered if it would hurt. You know…when they take that loud buzzing thing and cut me from my base. I’ve seen it happen so much…the noise…the topple…the dust. But does it hurt?

But, Creator tells me that somebody else…a lady…has been hurting a lot more than what I’ll experience today. In fact, He tells me that the small sting I might experience in the process is worth it for the joy that it will bring this lady. I don’t know why she hurts, but Creator tells me He needs me to do this for Him, because He loves her so and wants to see that smile on her face when she sees me for the first time.

I knew her voice the first time I heard it. I can’t explain how I knew it was her…I just did. She kept looking at lots of trees all around me but seemed so disappointed. I often heard her mutter to her friends that were with her, ‘I know I’ll know which one it is when I see it.’ Was she talking about me? Was she looking for me?

I could feel her footsteps getting closer, and then I saw her, and her face beamed with joy when she took her first look at me. Creator affirmed it was her.


This is the one, my beloved creation. I need you to go live in her home for the next 6 weeks and bring her abundant joy.

I don’t know how to do that?

Just by being there.

He whispered a few more things to me…something about her husband now being with Him in Heaven, something about her sadness over the upcoming Christmas season, a little about how she’s expecting me to bring her a lot of joy and how many of her friends and family have sent her many items to adorn me with.

I want to feel honored to be in this role. I really do. But, I’m a little sad, because my own death is near. Is this what it’s come to for me? All of these years in this beautiful place to be over in about 6 weeks (provided she generously waters me daily)?

But, my wise Creator shared one more thing with me that clearly told me why I had to do this (and why I should be honored at the opportunity…

He reminded me that often it takes death of one thing to bring life to another.”

Me and my ‘Chris Tree’!