Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

Today…I Am Joyful!

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Today…I am joyful. Each day I try to choose joy, but even in the choosing…I don’t often “feel it”. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there, nestled into the very cells of my being, but lately I’ve been unable to reach into the depths of me to find it.

Today is different. Today…I am joyful. Today…I am joy-filled. Why? Simply, because…

1. I KNOW I have a Father in Heaven that is closer to me than the air I breathe.

2. I KNOW I am loved by my Abba Father unconditionally.

3. I KNOW God’s plans for me are perfect.

4. I KNOW this world is not my home.

5. I KNOW, beyond all doubt, I will be spending eternity with the God I love and many other loved ones that have preceded me into glory, especially my sweet Chris.

6. I KNOW regardless of the trials and persecutions I’m asked to endure on this earth, it represents only a smidgen of time in the grand design of all eternity.

7. I KNOW God has a purpose for me…it’s why I’m still here.

8. I KNOW there are so many more people on this earth that have yet to really know, and I mean REALLY KNOW, the Good News of God’s grace, and He’s asked me to tell them.

9. I KNOW the news needs to be continually spread about God’s command (not suggestion) to care for the orphan and widow, and as a new widow and one compassionate about orphans…who better to share that news?

10. I KNOW God has me in the palm of His hand.

11. I KNOW God catches every tear I cry.

12. I KNOW God is good…all the time!

My heart is not only broken….it’s completely shattered…but, I cling to what I KNOW about my sweet Savior, as He continues to heal me.

Dear Chris…

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Dear Chris,

As I reflect back on the last 19 weeks without you, I sigh. Deep sighs. And…the tears. Oh…I’m finding that on days like today, they don’t cease.

I miss you so much. Those five words can’t even convey the depth of how much I miss you. They seem like such trivial words. It’s like when you talk with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile or when you call a family member that lives across the country. Or…even with you, babe. I’ve said those words whenever we’ve been apart for short lengths of time. I recall missing you terribly when I was in Africa last summer. But now…those five words carry such meaning. Too much meaning for even me to grasp. I long to be with you again. And, I know we will be one day. I can’t wait for that day. Until then…I continue missing you and journeying life a bit lost.

I have so much to share with you. God has been doing some amazing things for Anna and me since you left. I know He has us in the palm of His hand. I often wonder if He allows you to glimpse from heaven little tidbits of the work He’s doing. Oh…I pray so. I pray that you can see that I’m really, really trying to be strong without you. I know you’d want me to live life to the fullest, because that’s what we always did together. I have a deeper passion for that now.

As a matter of fact, Anna and I took our Disney trip…you know…the one the three of us were planning for 2012? We had a blast but sure missed you there! Everytime I saw Goofy, I thought of you and how you loved that crazy character.

This Sunday is the Panthers/Packers game that we were planning to go to together. I loved how you catered to the fact that I’m an NFL maniac and even helped me to create my first Carolina Panthers Christmas tree two years ago…even though the Packers are your team. You put me first in everything…even football! Well, I’m still going to the game Sunday. Without you. Your Packers loving friend from church will be going along with me instead. I know that has to make you smile. And…I’ll tell you a little secret. This is the ONLY team that I won’t be sad to lose to this season…only because of you. (I still hope the Panthers win, though.)

And…speaking of special Christmas trees…we’re doing one for you this year. It’s a tree in memory of you. Yes…it’ll be a REAL one! I know you well – no artificial trees! But, when I say WE…I mean WE. Babe, you have no idea how many people are helping me put this thing together. I couldn’t do it on my own, but I want to honor you in this way, because I know how much Christmas meant to you. And to think…you get to be at Jesus’ birthday party in heaven this year on that day! What a party that must be! But, I pray God lets you peek at the “Chris Tree” when it’s all finished. As ornaments are starting to arrive…my excitement is building. You would be so pleased!

I know how much you loved me. One of your last emails to me stressed that fact and reminded me to never doubt your love. Oh…if I only knew then what you were planning. If it had been possible, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep you by my side.

The loneliness is unbearable sometimes. I have a great support system and wonderful friends and a loving Father in heaven that wants to carry all of this for me. But, I don’t have you. If you only knew how much I hurt.

Sometimes I feel like people get tired of reading my depressing posts and comments. And…so they just stop. I try not to be depressing. I just want to be real. I think too often in life we try to live up to other people’s expectations (me included). But, this is real. This is who I am – at least for now. I’m not a pretty picture, but I’m real. I pray that my pain, my grief, this journey is not in vain and that somehow, someway it helps somebody else.

I just needed to share from the innermost places of my heart with you tonight sweetheart. Somehow…it offers a smidgen of healing.

I will never forget you. I will never forget the glorious, wonderful, exciting years we shared together. I will never forget the love you poured into me. I have never, ever been loved that deeply before. I didn’t deserve that kind of love, but God blessed me with it anyway. He blessed me with you!

I love you!

Leah