Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

Tornadoes…a Different Kind of Warning

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Tornado_ediI love waking up to the songs of my winged friends each morning. I love seeing the winter-dead trees spring back into life as blooms make their colorful seasonal appearance. April tends to usher in these annual joys each year in the area of the world where I live. But…April also typically brings another seasonal reminder…that of tornadoes.

Tornadoes don’t bring me any joy.

Thankfully, I live in a section of the country that is not prone to the catastrophic destruction frequently provided by this weather evil. Yes – we get a warning every now and then and many “watches”, but the Blue Ridge Mountains tend to guard against these ugly things for us. However, you don’t have to go too far east, west, north, or south to face them head-on especially during this time of the year.

For me, tornadoes bring about an entirely different warning. A warning and sometimes gut-wrenching reminder that another anniversary of Chris’ death is near.

The week before Chris passed away, a tornado touched down in his hometown of Glade Spring, VA. It was also the town in which we married.

I was at a women’s conference in nearby Johnson City, TN with my friend Kandi just a couple days after the tornado hit. We decided to ride up to Glade Spring to see some of Chris’ family and the devastation first-hand. We also took many pictures to share with Chris, because I knew he wouldn’t believe what had happened to some of the familiar landmarks. And…sure enough…he was floored! I think the heartbreak of what had happened to his precious hometown just added to the ache that was already building within him, unbeknownst to me at the time.

Just a few short days later, Chris took his own life and entered his Heavenly home.

So, for me, tornadoes bring about an entirely different sadness. Seeing and hearing about the lives that are disrupted or taken by these vicious storms are tragic, in and of themselves. Couple that with memories of the biggest “storm” that ever entered my life, and I find it just a bit unsettling at times.

But, I also know of promised signs that offer hope…the blessed hope that our days of sadness, turmoil, disease, disaster, and grief will end for those who believe in the One who will one day come again to take us Home!

There will be great earthquakes, and in various places famines and pestilences. And there will be terrors and great signs from heaven. And there will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and on the earth distress of nations in perplexity because of the roaring of the sea and the waves, people fainting with fear and with foreboding of what is coming on the world. For the powers of the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Now when these things begin to take place, straighten up and raise your heads, because your redemption is drawing near. ~Luke 21:11, 25-28 (ESV)

One of the Worst Things You Can Say to Someone Who Just Experienced a Loss

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hands“Let me know if you need anything.” she wrote in my sympathy card.

“Let me know if you need anything.” he told me as he hung up the phone.

“Let me know if you need anything.” she wrote on my Facebook wall.

In all honestly, those seven words sound very genuine…very sweet…very helpful…to the one saying them, that is. As one who walked the widow road, I actually learned to cringe when hearing those words.

After experiencing such tragedy, I needed someone to simply tell me what they were planning to do. Or give me simple choices to make…”Would you rather me bring dinner on Friday or dessert on Saturday?” But, the open ended statement of “let me know if you need anything” was simply…S.T.R.E.S.S.F.U.L. The last thing a person who has just experienced loss needs to know is that they have to now coordinate their own needs.

In the case of my widow journey, I simply had too many other things to coordinate or plan…a funeral and burial, how to dress my husband for burial, funeral expenses, estate plans, how to help my child return to school, when to return to work, when to go to counseling, what to eat since food is difficult to stomach these days…you get the idea.

Now…PLEASE don’t misunderstand me. I know this is generally a statement utilized when someone doesn’t know what else to say or truly doesn’t know how to help and is looking to the one grieving to figure that out for them. But, if at all possible, please don’t place that burden on them. Try to be more specific in your offer to help, or at least phrase the question in a way to narrow down the alternatives. This also helps them to know you really do want to help and are not just making an idle statement. How about these alternatives?

“Our children are going to the park tomorrow, can I pick up little Johnny to go with us?”

“We’re making soup and sandwiches for Saturday lunch, will you be home for me to drop off some for you?”

“I’d like to cook some meals for you to have in your freezer at a later date, will you be home Thursday or Friday evenings for me to drop them off?”

“Make I take you shopping to buy yourself something special to wear at the funeral?”

“When is your first counseling appointment? I’d like to drive you that day and will wait for you to finish. We can then go for a walk or go have coffee – whichever you prefer.”

There are exceptions to every rule, I know that, but I’ve discovered in talking with others that have experienced loss that they truly wish people would just DO instead of OFFER TO DO.

So, if you’ve experienced hesitation in the past in this area or offered that blanket “let me know if you need anything” statement to someone, I encourage you to ask God to show you a specific need and then simply meet that need. You will be blessed in serving, and the recipient will be blessed by not having to coordinate their needs!