Without it…his parents would have never had their little boy.

Without it…his sisters would have never had a brother.

Without it…the Glade Spring Fire Department would have been void of their chief & fish fry master.

Without it…hundreds (if not thousands) of onlookers would have missed seeing all the funny hats that he wore.

Without it…many lives would have existed with a huge unexplainable void.

Without it…my daughter would have never had a step-father that adored her and would be content to play game after game of cards with her.

Without it…I would have never met my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my earthly life, my beloved husband.

So today…even though he’s been in the arms of Jesus for nearly 17 weeks…without my husband’s birth 46 years ago…many people (especially me) would have missed out on one of life’s greatest blessings!

So for that reason, I’m still celebrating his birthday…

(These are just a few pics of us celebrating Chris’ birthday last year at Hungry Mother State Park in Marion, VA. What wonderful memories we have from that weekend!)

I caught a glimpse of him as he walked his elderly wife to the truck and then proceeded to unlock and open the door for her. She gave him a genuinely respectful smile, and he slowly made his way to the driver’s side of the vehicle. With a quick start of the engine, they were soon gone.

My heart fluttered. I was happily able to observe what appeared to be a simple, yet sweet, true love – now fully blossomed – more-than-likely in its last years on earth. I was able to witness chivalry alive and well. And, I smiled.

My heart fluttered again. This time, the flutter came from the fact that the discovery of my husband’s death by suicide 16 weeks ago today began a nightmarish journey that would result in my true love never being able to fully blossom. My heart fluttered again, while reminiscing the memories of my own gentleman of a husband doing the same thing for me many times during our courtship and marriage. But, this time, my fluttering heart produced a cavernous loneliness. And, I cried.

No sooner had the first tear fallen than my spirit quickened to His still, small voice…

I am near. You are not alone. If you only knew, my daughter, how close I am right now to you.

Oh…Heavenly Father…reveal more of yourself to me. Let me truly feel your nearness. I long for your Presence. My mind knows you are near…please, allow my heart to come to that same understanding as I walk through these painful days of grief.

Pure emotions. If nothing else, I’m trying my best to be honest with my unadulterated emotions during this grief process. I can honestly say that I haven’t always done that. I’ve been a great actress at times, if I do say so myself. But, I cease to pretend. I’m choosing to face the emotions…head on…no matter how painful.

Be near, Oh Lord, be near…