I caught a glimpse of him as he walked his elderly wife to the truck and then proceeded to unlock and open the door for her. She gave him a genuinely respectful smile, and he slowly made his way to the driver’s side of the vehicle. With a quick start of the engine, they were soon gone.

My heart fluttered. I was happily able to observe what appeared to be a simple, yet sweet, true love – now fully blossomed – more-than-likely in its last years on earth. I was able to witness chivalry alive and well. And, I smiled.

My heart fluttered again. This time, the flutter came from the fact that the discovery of my husband’s death by suicide 16 weeks ago today began a nightmarish journey that would result in my true love never being able to fully blossom. My heart fluttered again, while reminiscing the memories of my own gentleman of a husband doing the same thing for me many times during our courtship and marriage. But, this time, my fluttering heart produced a cavernous loneliness. And, I cried.

No sooner had the first tear fallen than my spirit quickened to His still, small voice…

I am near. You are not alone. If you only knew, my daughter, how close I am right now to you.

Oh…Heavenly Father…reveal more of yourself to me. Let me truly feel your nearness. I long for your Presence. My mind knows you are near…please, allow my heart to come to that same understanding as I walk through these painful days of grief.

Pure emotions. If nothing else, I’m trying my best to be honest with my unadulterated emotions during this grief process. I can honestly say that I haven’t always done that. I’ve been a great actress at times, if I do say so myself. But, I cease to pretend. I’m choosing to face the emotions…head on…no matter how painful.

Be near, Oh Lord, be near…

It was time to roll the change. The coin jar had been collecting dust, in addition to several year’s worth of coins. And…our mini-vacation over Labor Day Weekend is right around the corner…could use more dough for that too. So, what’s a girl to do? Head to our local Coinstar machine, of course! No more rolling change for me. Time is too precious these days.

My teenager was not too keen on seeing her middle-aged mother walking into our local grocery store with this jug of coins in her arms. But, she tagged along, nevertheless. Inside the store, I spotted the lean, mean, green machine that was going to turn my years of toil into greenbacks. I quickly read the instructions and just started dumping the coins.

The chinking and gurgling noises began. The machine was counting. Everything was going along smoothly until we got to the $6.00 mark (not too far into my coin jar mind you). Suddenly, my daughter pointed out that coins were spilling out from the machine and all over the floor! The message on the machine’s computer screen then read, “the machine is now full”. What do you mean full? I just started. It took me a moment to fully understand the ramification of what just occurred. In the meantime, I continued to try to pour coins down the machine. As a result…I just jammed it.

At first, I tried to fix it myself. I started digging my coins out of the machine…one by one. I soon realized it was going to take me all night at this rate. But, I wasn’t about to walk away at that point. I had to fix it! Then, one of the managers came up to help. He opened every nook and cranny of the machine that he had access to, but nothing got him into the area of the machine where the coins were actually housed (and where my were jammed). Only the Coinstar machine owner/operator could access that area.

Finally, after about 20 minutes of creating a scene, embarrassing my teenager, wasting the manager’s time, and capturing the attention of every cashier on duty…I walked away. I simply said to the store manager, “Well, I obviously can’t fix it. You obviously can’t fix it. We’ll just have to wait on the owner to fix it.”

About 10 minutes later, as I was getting into my car, laughing over this whole “stupid scene” with my daughter, the Holy Spirit whispered…

That’s how it is with your grief, my daughter. You’ve been trying to “fix it” by taking matters into your own hands. Sometimes, you’ve even involved others to try and “fix you”. But, it’s time to “walk away” and let Me work. I’m your “owner/operator”. I made you. I know how you tick. I know the people that I plan to use in your healing. Now, just walk away…step aside…let me do the fixing.

Right, as always. I’m a “fixer”, by nature. If I can’t fix myself, I’ll try to fix somebody else. And now…as I journey Grief Road, I’ve tried to find others to fix me, so to speak. But, all too often, I’ve been trying to figure it out on my own. I can’t anymore. I’m not saying that God won’t use people to assist with my healing. He will, and He has, and I need people now more than ever to come alongside me. But, I’m going to leave the orchestrating up to Him. I’ve jammed everything up…and, I can’t fix me anymore.