I feel like so many of my recent posts have been “doom and gloom”, or at least that’s what it feels like to me walking through this painful grief journey. For my own sanity, I spent some time just writing down a list of things that make me smile. I needed to be reminded of those things…especially now. Maybe you have your own list, or maybe this list will prompt you to create your own or to bless somebody else with a smile today.

40 things that make me smile (in no particular order):

1. My blog readers and commenters

2. Flowers

3. Being used by God

4. Seaside sunrises

5. Getting hand-written cards or notes in the mail

6. Water – not the drinking kind – the relaxing beside or within kind (lakes, oceans, rivers, etc.)

7. The name of Jesus

8. Peanut and/or Almond M&Ms

9. Africa

10. The color pink

11. A friend that can know or figure out my needs and meet them w/out me having to ask

12. Babies

13. Authentic worship (makes me cry too – but those are joy-filled tears)

14. Surprises!!

15. Encouraging words from friends

16. Going to NFL games (ANY – but especially those of my Carolina Panthers)

17. Connecting with women that love Jesus & with women yet to know Jesus

18. The beach

19. Spontaneity

20. Being able to meet a need even in my lack

21. Studying God’s Word

22. Hugs

23. A clear night with a sky full of stars

24. Really good Mexican food

25. Hazelnut coffee w/ hazelnut creamer

26. Orphan smiles

27. Listening to my daughter pray

28. Serving on a mission trip

29. Milk Duds

30. Chonda Pierce

31. Hiking to waterfalls

32. The beauty of autumn colors

33. Seafood

34. Seeing the facial expressions of people after experiencing a biblical “ah-ha moment”

35. Adventurous activities

36. Decorated Christmas trees

37. Learning that people are earnestly praying for me

38. Moonlit walks on the beach

39. Seeing/experiencing a miracle!

40. Butterflies

I admit it. My view of a widow was rather narrow-minded. To me, she was elderly with curly white hair. She had the love of her adult children to surround her during her early days of grief and the support of her neighbors and fellow church members in the extended sorrow-filled weeks that followed. Her deceased husband’s life insurance policies and other planned benefits would easily sustain her for the rest of her days. She was sweet and precious…just old.

While that vision of a widow does, indeed, exist…that’s only a small fraction of those represented in that not-so-elite group of ladies.

I know. Because I now belong to that group.

As a young widow, I don’t fit the mold described above at all. Not even close. There are times I wish I was an elderly widow, because I know my days on earth would be that much fewer. Instead, if the Lord tarries, I more than likely have many years ahead of me. That should excite me. But, for now, it simply brings a case of drudgery, lots of unanswered questions, and a little bit of fear, if I’m to be honest.

How am I going to handle my empty next in four years? It will be truly empty when my daughter goes to college. Nobody to live the second part of life with. Nobody to grow old with. Just lots of memories that continue to haunt me.

What’s my purpose in life? You can bet I’ve been asking that of the Lord quite often? “Now what, God? What am I here for now? You say you are the husband to the widow. What does that mean? Because I feel so lonely right now. I certainly don’ t feel like I have a husband.”

My mind races all day long. I can’t seem to shut it off. I struggle to focus (as you can see from this blog post). My memory is very sketchy right now. While I know these are all symptoms of grief, they are still very real issues I’m consumed with on a daily basis.

Sometimes, life is just so stinkin’ hard. This new title of mine – widow – also just stinks. And, I honestly don’t have anything beautiful to write or encouraging to share. For now, all I have are my ramblings…such as they are.