I admit it. My view of a widow was rather narrow-minded. To me, she was elderly with curly white hair. She had the love of her adult children to surround her during her early days of grief and the support of her neighbors and fellow church members in the extended sorrow-filled weeks that followed. Her deceased husband’s life insurance policies and other planned benefits would easily sustain her for the rest of her days. She was sweet and precious…just old.

While that vision of a widow does, indeed, exist…that’s only a small fraction of those represented in that not-so-elite group of ladies.

I know. Because I now belong to that group.

As a young widow, I don’t fit the mold described above at all. Not even close. There are times I wish I was an elderly widow, because I know my days on earth would be that much fewer. Instead, if the Lord tarries, I more than likely have many years ahead of me. That should excite me. But, for now, it simply brings a case of drudgery, lots of unanswered questions, and a little bit of fear, if I’m to be honest.

How am I going to handle my empty next in four years? It will be truly empty when my daughter goes to college. Nobody to live the second part of life with. Nobody to grow old with. Just lots of memories that continue to haunt me.

What’s my purpose in life? You can bet I’ve been asking that of the Lord quite often? “Now what, God? What am I here for now? You say you are the husband to the widow. What does that mean? Because I feel so lonely right now. I certainly don’ t feel like I have a husband.”

My mind races all day long. I can’t seem to shut it off. I struggle to focus (as you can see from this blog post). My memory is very sketchy right now. While I know these are all symptoms of grief, they are still very real issues I’m consumed with on a daily basis.

Sometimes, life is just so stinkin’ hard. This new title of mine – widow – also just stinks. And, I honestly don’t have anything beautiful to write or encouraging to share. For now, all I have are my ramblings…such as they are.

I haven’t posted since August 9, last Tuesday. I’ve really been emotionally void of words. But, I wanted to follow up and at least give you, my sweet and faithful blog readers, a glimpse of how my first wedding anniversary without my husband faired.

You know the timeless question…I have good news and bad news…which do you want first? I’m going with the bad…or, as I prefer to call it – the ugly. It’s not that there was anything bad about the day, per se. But, there was a lot of UGLY.

The ugly consisted of…

Tears…loads and loads of tears. I’m talking about ugly cry tears. Probably the 2nd or 3rd hardest cry I’ve had since learning of Chris’ death.

A visit to the cemetery that ended with me driving around for an hour…lost…not in location…just in life.

Disappointment…HUGE disappointment in so much.

Ache…literal ache…body, heart, soul, and spirit.

But, there was also beautiful in this day…

A couple of sweet cards that arrived in the mail from precious friends.

A beautiful arrangement of flowers delivered to my home from my sweet friends, Brett & Kandi.

A get-together with the precious women from my Connect Group at church. They wanted to ensure that I wouldn’t be alone.

A lovely bouquet of flowers created by the offerings of each woman that came to our Connect Group ladies’ night get-together.

Flowers were always a very significant part of our celebrations! My romantic husband loved giving me flowers, and that’s something that I’ve missed the most. Not the feeling of being doted upon by him…just the feeling of being loved by him. He expressed love in so many ways, but he never failed to express his love through a colorful floral display on each of our monthly and yearly anniversaries!

But, perhaps the biggest BEAUTIFUL of the day, were all the prayers being lifted up on my behalf. WOW. Just WOW! I received message after message of the masses of people praying for me through that day. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I shutter to think what I would have looked like without that very important prayer covering. I know how hard the day was with it, so I don’t want to envision even a glimpse without it.

Even with the ugly…I continue to praise my sweet Lord for being so very real to me. Without Him…I am nothing. Without Him…I could not do this. Without Him…I’d be so lost, so miserable, so hopeless, so spiritually ugly.

But, with Him…I will make it. With Him…I will be restored. With Him…I have eternal Hope. With Him…even though grieving…I strive to remain spiritually beautiful…because, I am carved in His image!

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there’s pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name