Today marks the 40th day of my grief journey…my walk through a difficult desert. May 3 was the day my beloved Chris went to be with the Lord. May 4 is the day he was “declared dead”, because his body was found that day. May 4 is the day that his death certificate and his grave marker declare as his death date. But, May 3…will always be the day I know he entered the land of the living…our true home…our forever home. And…May 3 is when I began the most arduous walk I’ve ever endured…through a dry and dusty desert, and I find myself parched and searching for an oasis most of the time.

Biblically speaking, whenever God uses the number 40…something transformational always takes place. I’ve actually blogged about this fact before, so I won’t repeat it here, but I challenge you to study some of those examples yourself…

Noah – 40 days & nights of rain
The Israelites – 40 years of wandering in the desert
Moses – 40 days on the mountain with God
Jesus – 40 days of fasting in the wilderness
Ninevah – a warning of 40 days until their city was overthrown – repentance followed

For me, I guess I’ve been more like a desert wandering Israelite these last 40 days. I’m still looking back to see what transformation has taken place in me these last 40 days. I’ve had days of questioning, days of complaining, days of deep worship, days of obedience, and many days of wondering when I’ll get to my Promised Land! I’ve had such sweet fellowship with my Lord during these 40 days, because I’ve been clinging to Him like He’s all I have…and, honestly He is. Nothing else is sure in this world but Him! But, I’ve also had many, many days of deep, deep sorrow…like today. So, here I am…day 40…and, I ask, “God what transformation has taken place in me this time?” I don’t feel like I’ve come very far. Oh, how I ache to feel my husband once again. Oh, I crave his touch. I long for his hand in mind. And…my throat has lumps in it all over again. The tears continue to pour. And, I continue to look for something…anything…that resembles transformation.

I continue walking…wandering…and, I begin a new 40 days. Interestingly, I see an oasis in my future, as I’ll be at She Speaks 40 days from today. Maybe I’ll finally get a refreshing drink of water then, as I’m surrounded by hundreds of sisters. Maybe then I’ll see a glimpse of something transformational. But, if not…I’ll continue walking…wandering…and waiting with 40 day anticipation!

After a very difficult 24-36 hours, today has been…well…pretty amazing and saturated with the goodness of God.

I’ve been praying since Chris went to be with Jesus last month that God would allow me to dream a sweet dream about him at night (and then be able to remember the dream the next morning). Last night was the night! I was elated this morning as I woke up remembering that I actually got to see Chris in heaven in my dream, and he was so happy and at peace. Thank you God for answering my prayer! Now praying for dream #2!

Later this afternoon, after returning to the office from lunch, I was so suprised to find the most beautiful cut flowers sitting in a vase on my desk. One of my co-workers quickly shared that they were from a volunteer that had been praying for me ever since she learned of Chris’ death. We had never met…until today. This sweet sister said that God clearly told her to bring me those flowers today, and she said she’s learned through the years that when God says to do something…she best do it! I just love her obedience! Now…here’s the amazing part of this…

Today would have been my 34 month wedding anniversary. We ALWAYS celebrated our anniversary every month on the 9th. And…Chris always brought me flowers! ALWAYS!

I started crying when I realized how sweet my precious Lord has been to me today. He has saturated me with His love. I don’t deserve such love and attention, but He gave it to me! I knew I had to share this story with my new flower-giving friend. But, I also knew I would cry a flood of tears as I did. Up the stairs I went, and pulled Sheila (my flower-giving friend) aside and simply uttered these words…

“There’s something I need to tell you about those flowers. Uh…today would have been my 34-month wedding anniversary. We celebrated on the 9th of each month (because we were married on August 9), and my husband ALWAYS brought me flowers. God used you to bring me a kiss from heaven today with these flowers.”

Her hands flew to her eyes, and then she looked up towards heaven and whispered a word of thanks. Then she grabbed me and we embraced as we both balled our eyes out.

God is in ALL the details, my friends. ALL the details. And…today…I’ve been sweetly kissed by heaven!