After a very difficult 24-36 hours, today has been…well…pretty amazing and saturated with the goodness of God.

I’ve been praying since Chris went to be with Jesus last month that God would allow me to dream a sweet dream about him at night (and then be able to remember the dream the next morning). Last night was the night! I was elated this morning as I woke up remembering that I actually got to see Chris in heaven in my dream, and he was so happy and at peace. Thank you God for answering my prayer! Now praying for dream #2!

Later this afternoon, after returning to the office from lunch, I was so suprised to find the most beautiful cut flowers sitting in a vase on my desk. One of my co-workers quickly shared that they were from a volunteer that had been praying for me ever since she learned of Chris’ death. We had never met…until today. This sweet sister said that God clearly told her to bring me those flowers today, and she said she’s learned through the years that when God says to do something…she best do it! I just love her obedience! Now…here’s the amazing part of this…

Today would have been my 34 month wedding anniversary. We ALWAYS celebrated our anniversary every month on the 9th. And…Chris always brought me flowers! ALWAYS!

I started crying when I realized how sweet my precious Lord has been to me today. He has saturated me with His love. I don’t deserve such love and attention, but He gave it to me! I knew I had to share this story with my new flower-giving friend. But, I also knew I would cry a flood of tears as I did. Up the stairs I went, and pulled Sheila (my flower-giving friend) aside and simply uttered these words…

“There’s something I need to tell you about those flowers. Uh…today would have been my 34-month wedding anniversary. We celebrated on the 9th of each month (because we were married on August 9), and my husband ALWAYS brought me flowers. God used you to bring me a kiss from heaven today with these flowers.”

Her hands flew to her eyes, and then she looked up towards heaven and whispered a word of thanks. Then she grabbed me and we embraced as we both balled our eyes out.

God is in ALL the details, my friends. ALL the details. And…today…I’ve been sweetly kissed by heaven!

Anytime a loved one dies, there always seems to be a multitude of “lasts” that are grieved. In the case of my husband, I’ve rehearsed the “lasts” more times than I can count…the last time I heard his voice, the last time I felt his lips on mine, the last time we sat beside each other in church, the last time I woke up beside him, the last time we went to the beach together, and the list seems endless.

Over the last month, I’ve also learned that the firsts are almost just as difficult – actually harder than the lasts. And…tonight…my mind has gone there so often, as tomorrow will be the first month anniversary of the day I buried Chris. For some reason, this first was harder than the first month anniversary of his death a few days ago. This first has been so much more difficult than…

the first time I realized he wasn’t coming back home…

the first time I slept in our bed without him…

the first time I went to the cemetery by myself…

the first time I went back to our favorite restaurant…

the first time I went to a church service without him…

the first time I went back to our Sunday School class…

the first time I had to share with someone that hadn’t heard the news of his death…

the first time I received a hug from someone after he died…

the first time I walked into our closet and got a glimpse of his never-to-be-worn again clothes.

That’s just a few of the firsts, but for some reason…knowing that tomorrow brings the first month anniversary since he was buried, I’m suffocating with grief again. I’ve had such a blessed day today with many laughs, many hugs, many smiles, and now this? This avalanche of sorrow all over again? I’m simply worn out from this pain…again.