First of all, thank you so much for all of your prayers, kind words, emails, Facebook messages, Tweets, and blog comments – especially after my last post, The S Word. Yes, it was probably one of the most transparent blogs I’ve ever written. I had no idea what to expect when I wrote of the way my husband went to be with the Lord, but I knew I had to write those words regardless of the outcome. It was healing…for me. And, I pray that it was healing…for some of you as well. I know that several asked me via Facebook or Twitter for my email address to be able to communicate a little more at length, and I’m happy for any of you to email me anytime the Lord directs you to: [email protected]. Just remember…I’m still grieving and still healing and still very much hurting. Thank you for all of the precious comments about how much my grief has been ministering to you. Please know I feel your love during these difficult days more than you can imagine.

This past weekend, some very close friends of mine came to town to help with several projects, including fixing my car and helping me clean out the garage in advance of our community yard sale this weekend. Can I tell you that cleaning out the garage was significant? I mean significant!

The garage was always Chris’ “chore area” in our home, because most of the things were his gadgets, tools, play toys, and things that I had no idea what to do with. Ever since we moved into this home last Thanksgiving weekend, he’s been working on it a little bit at a time. But, honestly, everything that was left seemed like a pile of mysterious “man gadgets”. I knew I would have to tackle this eventually and had already asked a couple of Chris’ friends if they would be willing to help me with it, because I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with some of the stuff. They were more than willing to help, but then I got word that our community was having the big annual yard sale this upcoming Saturday. Even if I wasn’t at a place of selling any of Chris’ items…I knew the garage had to be cleaned out to make room for all of the other items I had been planning to sell. Either way – it had to be dealt with.

Before Chris died, we agreed that we were going to start getting rid of our “stuff”. We have rooms full of “stuff” and we can’t take any of it with us anyway. Honestly…I am so sick of excess…and, we have so much of it in this country. I think I was spoiled by going to Africa last summer (I set foot on African soil one year ago today actually).

But, my spoiling was not for more things…my spoiling was for more of Christ with LESS things. You see, I was privileged to witness some of the most authentic worship of our sweet Savior my eyes had ever seen…and to think it was done in one of the most poverty stricken countries in this world. But, it was authentic. They didn’t need material things to get closer to God. They didn’t need “stuff” for their prayers to be heard. They simply offered all they had, and all they had was enough. Nothing else matters to God. He just wants us…authentic us…all of us.

I digressed a bit, but that leads me back to this upcoming yard sale. In preparing for it, I’m thinking about Africa…I’m thinking about heaven…I’m thinking about my purpose on this earth…and, I’m thinking that NONE of it needs me to have loads of “stuff”. It just doesn’t. God wants me. All of me. Broken me. Grieving me. Nothing else matters.

So, even as I cleaned out the “stuff” with my friends yesterday, I still found myself getting angry…angry that Chris left me to have to do this, left me with a mess to go through, left me to have “man” the yard sale and answer questions about all the “man toys” that I won’t have a clue about. No, I’m not going to sell most of his stuff at this point, but there will be some things in our “piles” that I know will be worth something to somebody. And…as the day went on, the garage got more and more organized, and God diffused my angry spirit, and kept whispering to my heart…

Nothing else matters.

Nothing else matters.

Nothing else matters.

Yes, Lord. I know…I really do know that. I want all of you, so I must give you all of me. Take whatever you want Lord. Continue this refinement, even as I ache. Everything I have…everything I am…everything I desire…it all belongs to you. I live and breathe to serve you. And, if you need to…take it all. Nothing else matters.

Our love story was very unique.

Chris and I fell in love very quickly…after only about 2 months actually (he would tell you a few weeks for him…sweet man). We married 11 months after we started dating, and this August would have marked our 3rd wedding anniversary.

You can ask anybody that knows me well (and even some that don’t know me that well), God had not only blessed our marriage, but He blessed the type of love we had for each other. We were crazy about each other, and our love never weakened after getting married…it actually grew stronger. We couldn’t stand to be apart for very long, and we acted like a bunch of lovesick teenagers most of the time. We never had a single argument, and I can count on one hand the number of times we had what I would classify as a “disagreement”. It almost always seemed to be about time. Chris couldn’t tell time very well. Ha! Ha!

I know he loved me. He told me…all the time. He sent me a love email every morning and love texts throughout the day. He told everybody how much he loved me, and I know I was blessed beyond belief to have somebody love me like that. And…even more…to be given a second chance at such an amazing love after such a heartbreaking divorce many years ago. God truly redeemed the years the locusts had eaten in my marriage to Chris.

So, how could a man that loves me that much end his own life? Yes…he committed the S word. Suicide.

Many have asked how my husband died, and many of you already know. But, I honestly had to write this post not to answer the question, but simply…for me. Every word I write is part of the healing process it seems.

But, the answer to the question of “why” will never be fully understood this side of heaven. There was no note. There was no obvious reason. But, in talking with professionals, and in putting together some pieces of the puzzle with a little hindsight (only about 3-4 days worth of hindsight actually)…it appears to have been mental illness. It appears that Chris may have been mentally sick, and it may have even been his first “episode”. It’s possible he had no idea what was happening to him. But these things I do know…

Chris was a believer!

Chris was cleansed of all sin through the blood of Jesus!

Chris loved God!

Chris loved God’s word!

Chris is now completely healed in heaven!

While I can type these words, and while I know them to be true…it has been a difficult road to walk. Within minutes of my receiving this tragic and life-altering news, Satan was already working on me. With thoughts like…

Leah, how could you have let him do this?

Leah, you could have stopped this.

Leah, you are not worthy of love like this.

Leah, you always fail at marriage.

Leah, you’re alone again.

Leah, you are nothing.

Leah, God can never use you now. This is shaming to Him.

My mind was going crazy with these stupid thoughts. And, I actually remember uttering some of them out loud, because I also remember my friend, Lorie, looking me in the eye (while I was still in a state of shock) and boldly reminding me these were all lies of the enemy.

In the 4 weeks that have followed Chris’ death, God has also been reminding me of a few things. Interestingly, these were the same words that I shared with a precious group of women in Kentucky just a few months ago…

Daughter, remember I am the only One that determines your worth. Your circumstances do not determine your worth. Your family does not determine your worth. Your friends do not determine your worth. I made you…you are Mine…and I love you! And…My love is complete!

My earthly love affair with Chris may have ended abruptly because of the S word, but my love affair with Christ is only heating up more and more intensely. And…He calls me worthy.