This week has been dark. Very, very dark. I re-entered the crevices of the caves of grief in places I haven’t been since the immediate days following Chris’ death. The darkness was literally suffocating me. I wanted to curl up in a ball…but, I still had to function…if for nobody else…for my sweet girl!

I sent out a few urgent prayer requests and then virtually “shut up” for several days. It took immense amounts of energy to even have a conversation…whether in person or virtually through social media.

I’ve had so many people wanting to help me. But, I honestly haven’t known what to say. I didn’t know how to ask for help, and I didn’t know how they could help. I didn’t even understand what was happening to me, so how could I possibly convey that to others? When I had to be around people, I put on a fake smile (whenever the tears weren’t pouring) and functioned robotically. But, I continued to sink deeper and deeper into the dark crevices.

But…late Wednesday evening…things started to change. I started to sense I was being lifted out of the pit of despair, and I attribute it to 3 very distinct things:

1. Prayers of the faithful. I’ve had many people tell me they are praying for me. I realize that sometimes that’s simply a response when you don’t know what else to say. But, there are the others…the praying faithful…that literally lift my name before the Father’s throne. Without your prayers…I shudder to think what I would be like. Thank you for your faithfulness on behalf of a grieving sister!

2. Devastating news from a friend. I had a call from a friend on Wednesday night that shared with me that she just received the news that she has breast cancer. I was stunned! I noticed, however, that as I shifted my prayers from my own pitiful state to interceding for my friend…the crevices of despair started to open a little wider, and I could now see hints of light.

3. Kathy. The Lord sent me a special sister in the faith, who also experienced the death of her husband by suicide less than a year ago. She spent several hours pouring into me last night, and the Holy Spirit revealed Himself to me in perhaps deeper ways than I’ve ever known before. To quote my new friend, “Suicide is a BEAST.” Grief over this type of death is like no other. And, for God to send me this special lady to pour life back into me continues to reveal to me that I have NOT been abandoned (as much as the enemy would love for me to believe that).

This is only the beginning, friends. If you choose to continue to travel Grief Road with me, please know that it twists and turns quite often, and it might even cause a little motion sickness. But, I’m humbled to have you along on the journey. And…as many of you have already discovered…I’m not good at asking for help (in any way, shape, or form). So, if the Lord directs you…just obey Him. I honestly don’t know what I need. He’s my Husband now…so, He’ll have to make those decisions for me. Love you all!

Today marks the 40th day of my grief journey…my walk through a difficult desert. May 3 was the day my beloved Chris went to be with the Lord. May 4 is the day he was “declared dead”, because his body was found that day. May 4 is the day that his death certificate and his grave marker declare as his death date. But, May 3…will always be the day I know he entered the land of the living…our true home…our forever home. And…May 3 is when I began the most arduous walk I’ve ever endured…through a dry and dusty desert, and I find myself parched and searching for an oasis most of the time.

Biblically speaking, whenever God uses the number 40…something transformational always takes place. I’ve actually blogged about this fact before, so I won’t repeat it here, but I challenge you to study some of those examples yourself…

Noah – 40 days & nights of rain
The Israelites – 40 years of wandering in the desert
Moses – 40 days on the mountain with God
Jesus – 40 days of fasting in the wilderness
Ninevah – a warning of 40 days until their city was overthrown – repentance followed

For me, I guess I’ve been more like a desert wandering Israelite these last 40 days. I’m still looking back to see what transformation has taken place in me these last 40 days. I’ve had days of questioning, days of complaining, days of deep worship, days of obedience, and many days of wondering when I’ll get to my Promised Land! I’ve had such sweet fellowship with my Lord during these 40 days, because I’ve been clinging to Him like He’s all I have…and, honestly He is. Nothing else is sure in this world but Him! But, I’ve also had many, many days of deep, deep sorrow…like today. So, here I am…day 40…and, I ask, “God what transformation has taken place in me this time?” I don’t feel like I’ve come very far. Oh, how I ache to feel my husband once again. Oh, I crave his touch. I long for his hand in mind. And…my throat has lumps in it all over again. The tears continue to pour. And, I continue to look for something…anything…that resembles transformation.

I continue walking…wandering…and, I begin a new 40 days. Interestingly, I see an oasis in my future, as I’ll be at She Speaks 40 days from today. Maybe I’ll finally get a refreshing drink of water then, as I’m surrounded by hundreds of sisters. Maybe then I’ll see a glimpse of something transformational. But, if not…I’ll continue walking…wandering…and waiting with 40 day anticipation!