Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

31 Weeks

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What does it mean to survive the first 31 weeks of widowhood? Today marks that day for me, and I can assure you that my answer today is different than it would have been at 30 weeks (and probably different than it will be at 32 weeks). Before I go further…I need to offer up a little disclaimer…

Today’s post does not, in any conceivable way, diminish the healing work that God is doing in me. Please hear me on that! I love Him more today than ever before, and I owe Him everything! Everything! He is with me on this journey. He is truly Immanuel to me (God With Us, as that name literally means). He is cradling me in the palm of His hand. He is catching every tear I cry. He loves me with an unconditional love. He will not leave me stranded on Grief Road – not even for a second.

With that said, today stinks! I hurt. I ache. Another tidal wave ensues. Tears are pouring. The grief is so thick today, mainly this evening.

I am so, so sad! I know I will see Chris again in Glory, but I want to see him now!!!!! I don’t want to travel the next two and half weeks until Christmas without him. And, I am already dreading waking up Christmas morning this year as a widow…without my precious man by my side.

Sometimes, I don’t know how to do this. So, I don’t. I let God do it for me along with all of my prayer warriors. I am sapped of strenth. This feels like the early days all over again. I don’t want to make decisions. I can’t make decisions. I have no energy. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t even feel like writing this post. But, I’m doing it anyway, because I’m waiting on my daughter to get ready for bed. Otherwise, I’d already be there.

I am so thankful to have Christmas to celebrate, but I’m so tired of the pain that goes with it this year. I feel like screaming from the rooftops, “I’m hurting here!!!!!!!!!!!” But, that’s a selfish response. I don’t want to be selfish. This life isn’t about me.

So many mixed up thoughts. I’m exhausted from thinking. I’m all “thunked” out!

The tidal wave is winning tonight. Thankfully, I know the One that ultimately wins in the end!

I See You…I Miss You

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I see you everywhere.

-I see you in pictures all over the house.

-I see you in ornaments hanging on the tree.
-I see you in the deer that leap across my path in the early evening hours or the wee hours of the morning.
-I see you on the couch sitting beside me as we watch our favorite Christmas movies together.
-I see you in the kitchen whipping up batches of yummy goodies.
-I see you in your sister’s crystal blue eyes – your eyes.
-I see you in “our spot” in church sitting right beside me.
-I see you in the bathroom using your sink to get ready in the mornings.
-I see you decorating a gingerbread house with Anna like you do every December.
-I see you kissing me goodbye as you leave for work each morning.
-I see you putting out the trash every Monday night.
-I see you helping your mother hang a new light fixture.
-I see you giving announcements in our Connect Group.
-I see you baking cookies to take to the Christmas program outreach night at church.
-I see you saying “I do” to me with a smile on your face, quivering voice, and tears forming in your eyes.
-I see you in the memories that continually flood my mind.

And yet…I don’t see you at all. I miss you Chris…from the depths of my being …I miss you!