Oh…what a weekend!

This post can’t begin to capture the emotion of it all.

Friday night, I left my house at 9:00 pm with my sister-in-law, Shawna, who came to visit with my brother and their son. We were en route to the beach, because Shawna has never seen the ocean – except in books or on movies. She grew up in Kansas (and still lives there), and growing up in a family with 5 other siblings never afforded them the opportunity to take many vacations, let alone vacations to either coast half-way across the United States. Well, I knew I had to do something about that. Even if only for a few hours.

The spontaneous, adventure-seeking sister-in-law that I am, asked her if she’d like to make the 5 hour trek to see it – in person (and hopefully catch a sunrise too). She was all too quick to say…YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, a few stops and 6 hours later – we arrived in Myrtle Beach, SC (a little ahead of sunrise). We piddled around for a couple of hours and then finally made our way down to the ocean at the break of day. The sun didn’t perform a brilliant show for us this, as it was blanketed by a thick veil of clouds. But, the sea…the glorious sea…still showed off the majesty and splendor of Creator God! And…Shawna was amazed…

For me, the trip was bittersweet. To see the joy on my sister-in-law’s face was priceless. But, the last time I went to this exact same spot was in April…with my sweet Chris! Oh…how I miss him so. The beach was a haven for us, and we both planned to live by the sea one day, Lord willing.

I needed to try and rest for a few minutes since we were going to turn around and head back by noon to pick up my daughter at the airport. I placed my towel atop the sand, got down on my stomach, and with the sun just starting to poke through and warm my back…all I could do was cry…salty, sandy tears. Today also was another monthly anniversary. It was another 9th (this time our 35th month of marriage). It was another day that I would normally walk home to later find the flowers my husband brought me to celebrate…those individual monthly anniversaries. More salty, sandy tears. And…the sleep? Maybe 10 minutes. Too many thoughts going through my mind to rest my brain.

Fast forward to today…Sunday. I had asked a couple of friends from church if they would do something very special, yet difficult, for me. Would they please take me to the location where my husband took his own life? Yes. I wanted to see it. I had to see it. There were so many there that day, but not me. I was waiting at the house in case he came home or other news reached us there. But, I was not out with the search team. I was not there to see the truck parked or the pitched tent that contained his broken body. And, I knew I had to. I had to go there and see it for myself. The visual person that I am needed to see everything in order to progress in this healing journey.

So, this afternoon, we went. I am forever grateful to these precious saints for giving me a couple hours of their Sunday afternoon to drive me deep into the woods to see this…

The place his trucked was parked that fateful day…

The place where the tent was pitched that contained my husband’s body…

The place where he hung the key to his truck…

And…as difficult as it was. It helped me to go there and see everything for myself.

So, later this evening. I went to the cemetery to “talk” to him about it.

And, I’ve been talking to Him (to Abba) about it the rest of the evening. “I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.” Psalm 116:1

Thanks to each of you that have been faithfully following this journey of grief I’ve been traveling. Thank you for the massive amounts of love and prayer I’ve received. I know this is a result of being so transparent, because otherwise…you probably wouldn’t even know this recent tragedy I’ve experienced ever even happened in the first place.

However, being transparent also comes with a cost. It allows folks to see a snippet of you…but not enough to make fair judgments. It allows people to faithfully pray for you when you ask for it…but when you might be a little blog or social media quiet, it’s easier to forget. I understand that. We all have lives to live, which include our own set of difficulties. But, being transparent also causes many people to want to offer advice, correction, rebukes in love, etc. over the way you should/should not be feeling. That’s where I’m struggling today.

Monday’s blog post is still what I’m clinging to…I CHOOSE JOY! Even in the midst of the pit that I’ve found myself back in today, I still choose joy. However, I find that there are some days that I find it a little easier than others. Today is not one of those days.

Today…I see Chris’ face in a picture on my phone, and my heart flutters with panic over suddenly realizing my loss all over again.

Today…I pick up a piece of paper that he’s written on, and I’m stopped in my tracks just staring at it and retracing every letter with my fingertip.

Today…I face the fact that while I’m progressing in many “normal” respects to what the “experts” say I should be doing, I’ve got a long way to go.

Today…I find myself angry over the lack of local support groups for CHRISTIANS that have lost a spouse to suicide.

Today…I am bewildered over the number of people that think I should act a certain way (or not post certain words) throughout this process “because I’m a Christian” and yet have never walked in my shoes.

Today…I am frustrated that I’m having to deal with this pain to begin with.

Today…I am angry over the fact that I should be excited about my upcoming She Speaks conference, but instead…I’m a bit overwhelmed and question quite often if I should even be there (don’t worry P31 gals…I’m still coming).

Today…I am overwhelmed at the amount of “stuff” still on my to-do list.

Today…I am probably in much greater need of a vacation more than ever, but that doesn’t appear to be in my near future.

Today…I STILL choose joy through this process. Today…I still give thanks for ALL of God’s blessings – some I have yet to see.

But, today…I felt the need to clear up the fact that I’m still hurting deeply, and it’s normal. I still have good days and bad days all mixed in together, and that’s also normal. But, unless you’ve walked exactly in my shoes…there will be a piece of this that you won’t understand. And…that’s also normal. Just please don’t judge my grief, and how I go at it. It hurts enough as it is. And, if it’s too painful to watch, you certainly don’t have to hang out here with me.

What Satan would love to see me do is “shut up” and internalize everything. Well, that is one thing I’m definitely not going to do. So, if you feel led to pray when I send out a prayer request…bless you and thank you! If you feel led to comment a word of encouragement…bless you and thank you!

Some posts are just going to be REAL and probably not too pretty. This is one of those, because I’m…

Continuing to heal…